Saturday, December 04, 2004

Mother has been getting along well at the nursing home. I hadn't seen any change in her mental state for a long time. I deluded myself into thinking that she would be this way from now on. No entirely in touch with reality but she would always know all her family. gho

Then this week she started talking about Brittney's wedding in strange ways that disturbed me but I didn't ask questions because I didn't want to know the answer.

Finally Brittney, James's stepdaughter, was there on Friday so I decided to venture into the deep water.

I asked Mother "Who is Brittney's mother?"

Mother looked at me strangely, in that way where she knows she should know something but she doesn't and she said "I don't know."

I said "Rene is her mother." Brittney reminded her that Rene has red hair but Mother still looked confused.

I asked Mother who Rene is married to and she answered she didn't know. That is sad.

I told her that James is married to Rene. She had a glimmer of recognition and said "I didn't know they finally got married."

James and Rene have been married almost ten years now.

So I can't count on Mother's mental abilities stabilizing. I am going to take pictures out there of all the members of my family, Anne, B eth, Adam, Emma, George, Ken, and George Rodney to show her. And I am going to go over them with her, who is who, the relationships, and where everyone is living.

What is the poem that talks about "raging against the coming of the night?" It is talking about death, but I feel with Mother I am also raging against the coming of the night of her mind, as it goes darker, losing clarity, and disconnecting from reality and her loved ones.

I don't always want to go visit Mother, but it is not a distressful or odious chore. I realized a long time ago that I had to visit Mother for my own sake. Sometimes maybe it helps Mother, maybe it helps some of the others that I interact with out there, maybe it will inspire someone else to visit the nursing home, but mainly the purpose of the visits is to raise my own life up a little bit. In a hard to explain way, I feel that it gives my life some purpose, and that , at least in this little way, I am doing what is right and contributing to the good.

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